Go to Sports Headlines

Field of Nightmares

MUDCAT FALLS -- A mass grave found by archeology students from Mudcat Falls Community College may have uncovered the reason for the Hickums Dentistry for Cowards Practice's girls preteen softball team's unbroken five-year streak of defeats.

"You know, we have been wondering about the creepy flock of birds that always seemed to be hanging around the diamond," said Dr. Herb Hickums, D.D.S., team manager and sponsor of the 9-12 year old division Bicuspids. "We thought they were crows, but I guess they're really vultures."

Desperate to find an explanation for the team's incessant string of errors, strike-outs and injuries, Hickums has had the Whormelmier County Park ball field scoured during the off season with metal detectors, radar, sonar and methane probes, which ended in an excavation behind home plate yielding a trove of bones.

Although at first thought to be a Shemp-Pa-Queeg Indian burial ground, forensic labs have identified the site as a trash dump for the nearby RK Meat Packing Company rendering plant that extends through the entire infield and out at least to the left field warning track.

"Cows are very spiritual beasts and bovine karma can bring bad luck, too," said Hillary Hickums, team mother and President of the local chapter of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. "Just how do you explain such inhumanity and carnage to a 10 year old short stop?"

The land for the county park was donated by August A. Whormelmier, the patriarch founder of R.K. Meat Packing Company, in 1953.

"This isn't the Bombay Baseball league and our girls team, the Weinerettes, haven't had any problems there," said a company spokesman. "Besides, I've seen those little Bicuspids at the concession stand and they seem to enjoy our hot dogs just fine."



Go to Sports Headlines