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Weighing in on Miss Whiskers

How much fun would a guilty pleasure be without guilt? Thus, in working so hard to supply an adequate quantity of angst for our collectively under utilized consciences, we are forever indebted to PETA, NOW, the ACLU and the MGJ for their efforts last Saturday night at the Annual Mudcat Falls Miss Whiskers Beauty Pageant.

The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals were there to protest the exploitation and abuse of animal furs, skins, meat and by-products at the ceremonies, actually throwing a cup of blood at, but missing Mayor Alabaster's wife's mink stole, hitting instead the polyester pants suit and sensible shoes of Ms. Alicia Fingletart, President of the local chapter of the National Organization of Women, there to protest the exploitation and abuse of human female furs, skins, meat and by-products at the ceremonies.

The American Civil Liberties Union was there to protest the Pageant's unconstitutional discrimination against males, as well as horizontally, vertically and visually challenged females, with such an eclectic collection of picketers that it took all the self-control we could muster not to gawk. No one could figure out exactly why the Mobilization for Global Justice was there, except simply to not miss out on the action or, perhaps, to catch a glimpse of newly crowned Miss Whiskers, Kimberly Yewnitkinkle, who will proudly represent our fair city at this year's Miss Squash competition during the Calabash County Fair, the winner of which eventually could very well represent our state at the mother of all beauty contests, the Miss America Pageant.

At the risk of whispered charges of pedophilia, we have to admit to being mesmerized by the young, long-legged Miss Yewnitkinkle's performance in the swimsuit competition. Her beauty, poise, talent at the glockenspiel and platform of speaking out against illiterate, bulimic kleptomaniacs, should make each and everyone of our citizens proud to have this young buxom brunette represent our city. We wish her well and will be following her career closely.

While we know that judging the Miss Whiskers contest is the only community service our publisher, Sonny Stickleford, takes seriously without a court order, for us on the Editorial Board, it is simply a welcome feast for the eyes that the "alphabet soup" side show of political protest garnishes, making this forbidden fruit just that much more tasty.

Thanks again, guys and gals. See you next year along side the red carpet.



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