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From Second City to Our City

PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- Special Agents of the newly established Department of Homeland Security swooped down on a Pistol Creek Junction Speedway convenience store yesterday from unmarked Blackhawk helicopters, backed up on the ground by a platoon of tinted-out, unmarked, black Chevy Suburbans, to take into custody a Canadian national, who was apparently filling numerous fifty-five gallon barrels in the back of a Ryder rental truck with diesel fuel, while impersonating Saturday Night Live star and Second City alum, Bill Murray.

The Woodbridge, Ontario man, who gave his name to authorities as Peter Venkman, also had seventy-one bags of Scott'sTurf Builder II fertilizer in the back of the bright yellow vehicle. DHS officials refused to confirm or comment on possible targets for what appeared clearly to be the elements of a truck bomb, though Venkman kept mumbling about getting that "varmint," which unnamed Treasury Department sources speculate could be al Qaeda code for President George W. Bush.

"I seen Caddyshack about a hunnerd times or so, and I knowed this guy weren't really Carl Spackler like he said he was," said alert store clerk, Darin Waistripe, who became alarmed when pump #6 hit 250 gallons and kept on going. "So I called the cops. I was kind of hoping to be on TV, but maybe now, at least, Mr. Ghandi will make me assistant to the assistant night manager."

Earlier in the day, the suspected terrorist assassin rented shoes and rolled six lines at the Tornado Alley Bowl-A-Rama, posing as the Bill Murray character from King Pin.

"He had kind of a flamboyant style, but he posted very respectable scores," said alley pro, Eddie "Slick" Layne. "In fact, one game was 287, which qualified him to be listed on our Wall of Fame. He gave his name as Ernie McCracken -- and I should have put two and two together right then and there. I guess you could say I pulled a Munson."

Venkman crossed the border late last Monday night in a recreational vehicle, showing a U.S. passport which identified him as John Winger. Immigration and Naturalization Service officials had no comment on how the Canadian imposter could have gotten through their border checkpoint at Niagara Falls with such clearly falsified identification documents and a wildly implausible story about being a Camp Mohawk Counselor, but claim to have launched an internal investigation into the matter. Various incidents of damage, vandalism, havoc and mayhem were later reported along Route 219 between Salamanca, New York, and Du Bois, Pennsylvania, prior to a series of unexplained rodent snatchings in and around Punxsutawney.

The following Friday, local man Yancy Wickstiff was speechless as what he thought was his court-appointed defense attorney, Ken Bowden, argued in favor of the death penalty during his recent DUI court appearance.

The mystery man belted out a set of tunes and signed a few autographs as "Nick Summers" for the prisoners at Mudcat Falls Municipal Jail before being whisked away by federal authorities to Camp X-ray at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. He has not been heard from since.

©2003 MFTHPPPGT




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