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OnStar Advisors Run Amuck

DETROIT -- General Motors is scrambling to put the lid on a growing number of reports that OnStar advisors are over stepping their bounds with actions far beyond the normal services provided by the innovative motorist assistance program.

"I had just super-sized my Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese Value Meal, when a voice came out of nowhere and told me to change my order to a salad and a diet coke," said Porky Chumwater, a 2004 Chevy Suburban owner who received OnStar service with the purchase of his new vehicle. "The lady was kind of surly and told me that her GM Goodwrench remote diagnostics read out showed that my shock absorbers were over compressed which meant I needed to lose at least a couple hundred pounds and should start with a salad instead of a burger."

The high tech information and assistance service has been heavily promoted as a helping hand for drivers who have lost their way, locked their keys in the car, or experienced a roadside emergency or accident. In contrast to the testimonials offered by GM, though, subscribers are increasingly troubled by the Orwellian specter of "Big Brother" looking over their shoulder in their personal automobiles, one of the most enduring symbols of American freedom and independence.

Drivers have complained of OnStar advisors changing their radio stations from Rush Limbaugh to NPR, admonishing them to stop slouching and sit up straight, turning down the volume on their CD players, and threatening to call their wives when checking into hotel rooms in their hometown.

"Our suit contends that Professor Uberflassen was running late for a speaking engagement when his wife began nagging him about speeding. An eavesdropping OnStar advisor piped in and took her side of the argument," explained attorney Steve Dallas. "After a rather heated exchange, the advisor finally killed the engine so that not only did my client miss his speech, he was rear-ended by a pick-up truck, suffered severe whiplash and Mrs. Uberflassen made him sleep on the couch that night."

A GM company spokesman insisted that such incidents are isolated occurrences resulting from the actions of a few disgruntled employees who, when identified, will be severely disciplined.

Upon leaving the press conference, the GM spokesman's Cadillac CTS inexplicably veered off the road and struck a telephone pole, deploying the airbag and eliciting a sinister laugh from the vehicle's OnStar system.



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