Go to Arts & Leisure Headlines

Kick Escapades Iced

MUDCAT FALLS -- Agents from the U.S. Bureau of Citizenship and Immigration Services raided the country estate of renowned local dinner theater directing legend Ed Kick, shutting down rehearsals for his production of "The West Wing on Ice" before the ground breaking entertainment extravaganza could commence it's national tour sponsored by Discover Card.

"Hello? Does anyone even remember the First Amendment?" asked Kick during a telephone interview with Entertainment Tonight's Mary Hart from his small swine farm in southern Calabash County, where he has gone into seclusion. "This is jack-booted censorship at it's worst, but that's what we get for electing a Nazi like George W. Bush. People just would not listen to us."

The government was tipped off that Kick was employing illegal aliens in his production and numerous undocumented hockey players from Canada were taken into custody.

The incident highlights a growing problem along the northern border of the United States since the National Hockey League's lockout and subsequent cancellation of the entire season as their labor dispute with players continued to escalate following the expiration of the Collective Bargaining Agreement on September 15, 2004. Since the lockout, unemployed hockey players have been flooding into the US to take jobs as loan collectors, security guards and nightclub bouncers.

The NHL has been driven to near economic ruin by uncontrolled spending on players' salaries. Currently, approximately 75 percent of the league's $2 billion in revenue is allocated to players' salaries and benefits while ticket revenues have maxed out and media revenues have never been large.

Conditions on the farm were reported to be harsh and inhumane for the illegal immigrants.

"We were forced to live on hot dogs, Big Macs and Dominos Pizza," said Montreal Canadiens defenseman Francois Perreault, who was cast as Communications Director Toby Zeigler. "This Kick scoundrel refused to speak French to us and forced us to drink tap water."

The break in the case came when Calabash County Memorial Hospital emergency room workers became suspicious after treating an increasing number of Kick's cast for cuts, bruises and broken bones.

"I knew politics could be a rough and tumble game," said former Olympic competitor and now Press Secretary C.J. Cregg Skater Tenley Blanchard. "I just wasn't prepared for this much checking, high sticking and brawling in what was supposed to be a family show."




©2005 MFTHPPPGT




www.mudcatfalls.com



Go to Arts & Leisure Headlines