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Shock Jocks Suspended

MUDCAT FALLS -- As forensic teams gather evidence, insurance claims processors fill out paperwork, grief counselors comfort school children and sanitation crews clean up the mess in city streets, local WMFM-FM morning drive time shock jocks, Happy Jack and Scooter, are cooling their heels off the air and may ultimately face criminal charges after the latest of their outrageous promotion stunts went tragically awry, reeking havoc downtown and suspending events at the Calabash County Fair on the outskirts of the city.

"But there wasn't even any nudity or public fornication like last time," exclaimed Scooter in frustration. "Just what do they expect from us? We're shock jocks for crying out loud. That's our job."

While a gaggle of bikini-clad model hopefuls gathered at dawn downtown by the Soldiers and Sailors Monument for what they thought was a local Hawaiian Tropic Girl pageant contest emceed by Happy Jack, Scooter and show producer Sid Victuals were busy liberating livestock from the 4-H pavilions at the Calabash County Fair Grounds and were soon driving them downtown on noisy dirt bikes for what the duo had boldly proclaimed would be the ultimate "Beauty and the Beast" promotion.

"This is the thanks we get for trying to bring some culture to Hickville?" wondered Happy Jack aloud. "Bulls? Pamplona? Hemingway? Literature? Beautiful women dashing through the streets in high heels? Doesn't anyone get it?"

In Courthouse Square at the center of the city, the stampede unexpectedly converged head-on with morning rush hour traffic trapping the suntan oil models directly between the two opposing forces. Not surprisingly, pandemonium and death ensued. Though the Calabash County Department of Transportation has not yet released their final tallies, road kill totals are rumored to be in the hundreds. In honor of the fallen, 4H fair officials indefinitely suspended activites later that same day.

"We had to pick Buzzsaw out of the grill of a Peterbilt," sobbed Future Farmer blue ribbon hopeful Jimmie Stompickel as he sat on the curb next to the blood-stained, killer eighteen-wheeler, weeping over the fate of his Suffolk Market Lamb entrant.

Hillary Hickums, President of the local chapter of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, announced that PETA is investigating reports of massive amounts of mascara, lip gloss and SPF 15 having been found on several swine and calves later found wandering aimlessly through the downtown Barleycorn District after their close encounter with the Hawaiian Tropic Girls and vowed to pursue vigorously their goal of a world filled with only cruelty-free toiletries.

"I can assure the citizens of Mudcat Falls that the streets of our fair city, as well as the county fair grounds will be made safe from these radio hooligans once and for all," proclaimed Calabash County District Attorney Jack Meddlemeister.

"Abuse of Livestock? Criminally negligent bovinicide? Felonious interference with animal husbandry? Goat taunting? Failure to yield and disobedience to a stop sign?" wondered Steve Dallas, attorney for Happy Jack and Scooter as he read the grand jury indictment. Scratching his head, he admitted sheepishly, "Half this stuff sounds made up to me."


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