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Smokers Vow to Go Topless

MUDCAT FALLS -- Embattled smokers are under assault yet again with a proposed city ordinance to improve indoor air quality by radically reducing RSP (respirable suspended particles) reflected from the apparel of tobacco users, which the International Agency for Research on Cancer of the World Health Organization has termed 'third-hand smoke'.

"Just like people are killed every day in this country from stray bullets," said Alicia Fingletart, Chief Crusader of the group Cleansing Lungs of All Pollutants, "so too are people killed by ricochetting carcinogens from the smelly clothes of dirty smokers."

CLAP has generated evidence that a consensus exists among a majority of select scientists that third-hand smoke causes the same problems as direct smoking, including lung cancer, cardiovascular disease and lung ailments such as COPD, bronchitis and asthma. Bank shot tobacco contains 69 known carcinogens, particularly benzopyrene and other polynuclear aromatic hydrocarbons, and radioactive decay products, such as polonium 210, of natural radioactive minerals. Non-smokers exposed to cigarette smoke in fabrics have an increased lung cancer risk of 40-70%.

"The lifestyle Nazis are at it again," said Porky Chumwater, local sport fishing legend and manager of the Downtown Shemp-Pa-Queeg Tribal Cigar Bar. "Now they're trying legislate when and where we have to change our socks and underwear."

Under the proposed city ordinance, smokers would be required to bath and change clothes after tobacco use before appearing in any public place.

Chumwater vowed that if the law passes, his establishment will become the first ever nudist cigar bar in the United States.

Public smoking bans date back to 1590, when Pope Urban VII's 13 day papal reign included the world's first known public smoking ban, as he threatened to excommunicate anyone who "took tobacco in the porchway of or inside a church, whether it be by chewing it, smoking it with a pipe or sniffing it in powdered form through the nose".

The first modern, nationwide tobacco ban was imposed by the Nazi Party in every German university, post office, military hospital and Nazi Party office, under the auspices of Dr Karl Astel's Institute for Tobacco Hazards Research, created in 1941 under direct orders from Adolf Hitler himself.

Fingletart said that the details of how the law would be enforced have yet to be worked out.



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