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Raging Bull Closes Zoo

Attack by a ElephantcowMUDCAT FALLS -- The Mudcat Falls Zoo has been closed indefinitely following a tragic accident during the popular Dighby & Billy Saul Show at Haagen Dasz Arena adjoining the Planter's Peanuts Pachyderm House, when Bongo, a three-year-old male elephant, suddenly attacked trainer Billy Saul, grabbing him with its trunk and attempting to stuff his limp-noodle body headfirst into a down spout from the arena roof in front of an audience of students on a field trip from Charles Dickens Elementary School.

"Oh, the humanity -- I sure hope that poor elephant will be all right," said Hillary Hickums, local PETA chapter President and PTA mom who witnessed the attack with her two young children. "He looked positively terror stricken. These poor creatures need our help and protection."

Pistol Creek University professor of Zoology and renowned Ungulata expert Dr. Savannah Hurd theorized that the creature may have undergone an episode of hormonal behavior modification known as "musth."

"In the musth period a bull produces 40 to 60 times more of the male sex hormone, testosterone, than in the non-musth time," explained Hurd. "As far as I know, this phenomenon occurs with elephant bulls only - particularly with Asian elephant bulls."

The known physical symptoms of the musth are swollen temple or temporal glands, swollen trunk base, an oily liquid which comes out of the temple glands, leaving a black trace across the cheeks to the corners of the mouth, a penetrating smell of sweat and urine, permanent dripping of urine and hind legs, erection of the penis, autistic behavior, aggressive outbursts when the bull feels disturbed, intolerance for any sudden movements and a general malaise and funk.

Billy Saul remains in critical condition in the intensive care unit at Calabash County General Hospital. His partner, Dighby Dalhaber, renowned local thespian, political activist and part-time ring master-in-training, was administered a rape kit and interviewed by the Special Victims Unit of the Calabash County Sheriff's Department, before being released. Dalhaber went immediately into seclusion and was unavailable for comment.

"I ain't seen nothing like this since--since--since," stammered Sheriff Atticus W. Moosejowl as he groped. "Boy, I don't know. Not in Nam. Maybe the A&P incident."

Bongo was removed from the zoo and taken into custody by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. He is being held at the Calabash County fair grounds pending the filing of formal charges.

Campaigning in Iowa, Democratic Presidential candidate John F. Kerry said of the incident, "I served my country in Viet Nam. I know what it means to fight to a war and I have a plan to protect our citizens from these marauding pachyderms that George W. Bush has lied about and has totally mismanaged."

The elephant has been the symbol of the Republican party since it first appeared in Harper’s Weekly on November 7, 1874, in a cartoon by Thomas Nast.












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