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A Day in Food Fight Infamy

MUDCAT FALLS -- When a food fight erupted in the cafeteria of Calabash-Hoover High School last week, law and order was restored with a flurry of detentions, suspensions and black marks on permanent records. But just when school administrators thought the situation had been brought under control, the Calabash County Unified School District was served with court papers alleging violations of U.S. and International Copyright laws in a suit brought by the Motion Picture Association of America.

"There is no question that the activities of those being targeted are illegal. and it is our most sincere desire to identify a technological solution to the perpetual plague of the persistent pathological piracy of the populace," said Jack Valente, President of the MPAA. "We have to stop these fancy pants hooligans who would cheat the hundreds of thousand of working people in the music and movie industries, threatening the very livelihood of those limo drivers and gardeners and chambermaids who cater to our executive needs."

The suit alleges that the food fight which occurred last Friday during the noon hour, apparently in protest over the regularly scheduled menu of shepherds pie, stewed tomatoes and beets ala mode, bore a plagiaristic likeness to a similar scene in the Universal Pictures movie Animal House, starring John Belushi and Tim Mathison.

"Them kids is just vile little creatures and I distinctly seen that trouble maker Silas Needlemensch acting like Bluto and calling other kids 'zits,' so you betcha, I turned him in," said cafeteria cook Arlotta McGurdy, who made the initial report to the movie industry watch dog group.

The son of Mudcat Falls City Councilman and School Board Chairman Arthur Needlemensch is currently serving a ten day school suspension. His lawyer, Steve Dallas, is said to have negotiated a plea bargain with the MPAA in return for his testimony against the school district.

"The time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is Valente, " said John Vernon, who played Dean Wormer in the film.

Actor John Belushi was unavailable for comment.

MPAA investigators continue to interview witnesses and participants in the incident to glean and gather relevant snippets of dialogue and stage business that may have been lifted from the cinema classic, which recently celebrated the twenty-fifth anniversary of its release in 1978. The film, made for a paltry $2.7 million, was the top grossing comedy ever made at the time of its initial run and has grossed over $200 million in ticket sales and video rentals.

Calabash County Unified School District Superintendent, Miles Awghoe claimed that it is against District policy to comment on pending litigation, because, "That could take up every waking moment I have."

Valente also noted that MPAA investigators are looking into two dozen reports of individual acts of perversion at a Mudcat Falls Community College Roman "toga" party, so profound and disgusting, that decorum prohibits listing them here.




©2003 MFTHPPPGT




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