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Technology Making Americans SADD

MUDCAT FALLS -- Researchers at Mudcat Falls Community College have released the results of a study identifying a disturbing new anxiety disorder afflicting modern society which they claim is reaching pandemic proportions.

"If you have been stuck behind a driver aimless weaving from lane to lane, or a shopper who blocks the aisle at the grocery store with their cart parked sideways or a numb-skull who steps off an escalator and stops dead in their tracks," said MFCC Adjunct Professor of Psychology Gunther Uberflassen, "then you must understand that these individuals are sick, suffering from what we call SADD -- Situational Awareness Deficit Disorder."

Several key symptoms have been cataloged to identify a SADD-inflicted personality:

Recurring, intrusive, and distressing disconnection from events occurring about you.
Becoming cognitively numb and withdrawn.
Avoiding societal norms and interactions that remind you of reality.
Difficulty concentrating and responding to external stimuli.
Exhibiting no fear for your personal safety or the safety of others around you.

Uberflassen's hypothesis is that the ever increasing pace of life induced by the relentless march of technology is overwhelming the homo sapien species' inherent ability to multitask, causing flashbacks, sleep problems, nightmares, isolation, guilt paranoia and generally anti-social behavior.

"What with cell phones, iPods, Blackberrys, Wi-Fi, GPS, Satellite Radio, DVRs, Palm Pilots, xBoxes, Muzak, and on and on and on -- at some point the mind simply red lines and overloads," explained Uberflassen. "It's like trying to run Windows XP with only sixty-four megabytes of RAM. You are going to get the same kind of erratic behavior in an otherwise functional machine."

The team is experimenting with amphetamines to develop a treatment to help increase a human's mental clock speed.

Uberflassen has also identified a companion condition called iSADD or Intolerance of Situational Awareness Deficit Disorder, which he believes may be the root cause for road rage.

Local attorney Steve Dallas immediately filed suit against Microsoft, Cingular, Sony, General Electric and SBC Communications on behalf of failed local electronic penta-decathelonian Buster Higglesbottom, who claims that the technology-induced syndrome ruined his life by electronically addicting him to a vain pursuit of a gold medal in a nonexistent Olympic sport.

www.mudcatfalls.com

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