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Falls Gone Wild

MUDCAT FALLS -- This week's meeting of the Mudcat Falls Board of Tourism erupted into chaos over the resubmittal of a proposal by Vice Chairperson Porky Chumwater, as he has done every year since 1985, to have the town make a bid to replace Ft. Lauderdale as a Spring Break Mecca for college students.

Seconded vigorously by local Attorney Steve Dallas, the motion was quickly gavelled down by Chairperson Alicia Fingletart after a lightning quick voice vote chorus of screeching nays from a cabal of fellow N.O.W. members who also serve on the Board by her appointment.

"There is a direct time line connection from ancient Greece to the Roman Empire to Hollywood to Ft. Lauderdale and we're just trying to connect the dots so the line of commerce passes through Mudcat Falls" explained Dallas. "The celebration of the coming of spring dates back to Dionysian and Bacchanalian celebrations. This is our heritage, for crying out loud -- Socrates, Plato, Peckinpah, and Funicello -- she was a Mouseketeer for crying out loud! Would they vote down Snow White and Disney World, too?"

When excessive partying finally overwhelmed Ft. Lauderdale with wall-to-wall teenagers whose imaginations were filled with cinematic images of Where the Boys Are, Beach Party, Muscle Beach Party and Bikini Beach Party, town fathers put their foot down and got out of the Spring Break business in 1985. At its peak 350,000 students poured into town. This year fewer than 15,000 teens came and the city likes it that way.

"If they want heritage, I've got heritage for them -- How about the Festival of Lenaea," said Board Member Tuggle Carpenter, who voted against the proposal.

During the ancient winter solstice ritual called Lenaea, also known as the Festival of the Wild Women, a man representing the harvest god Dionysus was torn to pieces and eaten by a gang of women. The celebration later became the traditional time for marriages, the consummation of which would take place on the last day of the month during the night of the dark moon.

"This is good for Mudcat Falls, good for business, good for the residents and good for the morale of all our citizens. There are just some things a man must stand up for, and, I tell you this, we have not yet begun to fight," said Chumwater, echoing a pronouncement oft made during competition from the bow of his bass boat, the Bonhomme Porky.



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