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Haagen Dasz Eyes Clinic Site

MUDCAT FALLS -- The local Planet Hollywood Weight Loss Clinic has announced that it will close at the end of the month. The downtown competitor to Weight Watcher's and Jenny Craig was a spin off of that Mecca of movie memorabilia begun by box office big boys, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis, formerly married to Demi Moore, in a desperate "Hail Mary" play to solve the financial problems which have plagued the restaurant chain as it has yo-yoed in and out of bankruptcy over the past three years.

"If people were not going to eat at the restaurants, we thought -- what the hell -- maybe we can make money off of them not eating," said chain cofounder Robert Earl. "After all, every celebrity out there seems to be peddling their latest diet kick. We merely attempted to bring the same star-power formula to the weight loss business as we did to weight gain end of the equation."

Mudcat Falls was said to be selected by the company as the perfect test market for the Planet Hollywood clinics based on U.S. Census data from 2000 regarding local population height, weight, per capita movie theater receipts, Nielson ratings and I.Q. data, but Earl refused to elaborate on the exact criteria. The Clinic featured pre-prepared, low-calorie, silver screen-themed diet entrees designed to be enjoyed among an eclectic collection of cinema artifacts and licensed merchandise items offered for sale.

"I'm not surprised they folded. I tried them all, but none of them worked," said Porky Chumwater, former three time National Bassmasters Champion, who was forced into retirement when his weight ballooned beyond the limits of sanctioned competitive bass boats . "The Papillon, The River Kwai -- I couldn't lose weight with any of their plans -- not even the Karen Carpenter."

Earl blamed the closure on 9/11, the Bush Administration and the break-up of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore.

Ice cream juggernaut, Haagen Dasz, which has had its sights set on finding a prime Barleycorn District location for several years, immediately announced plans to open a "big box" ice cream superstore at the location, in time for the Christmas holiday season..

"It's going to be a veritable Home Depot of frozen desserts," exclaimed Mayor Archibald Alabaster III proudly at his weekly press conference. "Personally, my mouth is already watering."


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