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Feds Fear Hawking Virus

ATLANTA -- The Centers for Disease Control has issued the first ever viral Outbreak Warning specifically aimed at Internet users.

The P54C virus, first isolated during the 1960s in humans living in the Appalachian Plateau Region of West Virginia, induces fever, sweating, dizziness, blurred vision, gastro-intestinal upset and a generalized economic dementia, which can eventually lead the sufferer to lose touch completely with reality.

At first, scientists had theorized that the disease was relatively harmless and helped to explain what were then thought to be largely regionalized cultural anomolies, in particular a penchant for holding and haunting yard sales and garage sales.

In the Information Age, though, a greater threat has emerged as more and more people throughout the country exhibit an irrational belief in the inflated value of what would normally be considered junk.

In an unprecedented joint press conference, CDC officials were joined by a representative of the Federal Reserve Board to warn of dire consequences from a potential pandemic of the so-called "Ebayla" virus, including soaring interest rates, rampaging inflation, growing unemployment, plummeting housing starts, and global warming.

Although there is no vaccine for P54C, and to date no known cure, doctors hold out hope that behavioral symptoms may be controlled with psychotropic therapies.










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