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Bovine Bloviation Blows Up

PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- A nearly six month long sit-in protest against R.K. Meat Packing Company, Calabash County's largest employer, came to an abrupt end when a portable outhouse exploded, injuring several protesters and splattering tens more with excrement and urine.

The Calabash Leguminians Against Pollution (CLAP) had been protesting the American ingestion of beef as a leading cause of global warming, forest fires and incidents of spontaneous cattle combustion through the release of deadly methane during bovine belching and farting. CLAP estimates that cows release nearly 100 million tons of methane per year worldwide, a figure which does not include sheep, buffalo, camels and goats.

"How many more have to die -- perhaps the entire human race -- before the purveyors of death like R.K. are brought to heel?" wondered CLAP Chairman and local entertainer Dighby Dalhaber from his hospital bed, where he was recovering from burns and injuries suffered in the explosion. Dalhaber was in the outhouse at the time of the incident. "Wasn't Chicago enough for they of little heart and compassion?"

A white paper on the CLAP web site presents compelling evidence that the real cause of the Great Chicago Fire of 1871 was Catherine O'Leary's cow farting into an open flame lamp, not kicking it over. The tragic conflagration, which began on October 8 and continued into the next day, killed more that 250 people, left 100,000 homeless, destroyed 17,400 structures and burned more than 2,000 acres. The epistle also claims that mysterious cattle mutilations are not caused by aliens, but result when cattle fart during lightning storms.

Methane (CH4) is a greenhouse gas that remains in the atmosphere for approximately 9-15 years. Methane is over 20 times more effective in trapping heat in the atmosphere than carbon dioxide (CO2) over a 100-year period and is emitted from a variety of natural and human-influenced sources. Human-influenced sources include landfills, natural gas and petroleum systems, agricultural activities, coal mining, stationary and mobile combustion, wastewater treatment, and certain industrial process. Scientist now believe that methane gas is responsible for 15% of "man induced climate change."

CLAP had hoped to reduce U.S. beef consumption by 50%.

"There are approximately 1.42 million people employed, directly and indirectly in the beef industry in this great country of ours," said Oscar Whormelmier, President of R.K. Meat Packing Company. "And I think everyone of them would agree with me that worrying about cow burps destroying the universe is evidence that those folks suffer from a severe anaphylactic allergy to common sense."

Dalhaber vowed to continue his battle for the planet, but after his discharge first stopped at the Calabash County Courthouse to plead nolo contendere to misdemeanor charges of possession of less than an ounce of marijuana, which he was evidently preparing to smoke in the outhouse just prior to the explosion.




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