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No Peace Pipe for Porky's

MUDCAT FALLS -- Downtown Porky's Cigar Bar is now under new management and, in spite of the Mudcat Falls Municipal Code, is open again for business, hosting record crowds.

"This is outrageous and will not stand," declared Alicia Fingletart, chairperson of Call to Legislate Anti-Smoking Policies, an activist group which had successfully lobbied City Council to pass a strict anti-smoking ordinance at all public establishments within city limits. "We shall demonstrate and picket and sue until the cows come home to roost in order to halt this travesty of justice and to protect the good health of the citizenry, even if they don't want it."

In a recent study commissioned by CLAP -- the first study of its kind -- researchers have found that the number of heart attack victims admitted to Calabash County Memorial Hospital dropped by nearly 60 percent during the first six weeks that a smoke-free ordinance was in effect in our area. The study's authors attribute much of the sharp decline in acute myocardial infarctions (AMI) to a near-elimination of the rapid and harmful effects of secondhand smoke on blood platelets and the arteries that supply blood to the heart. Damage to these and other functions increases the likelihood and seriousness of a cardiovascular "event," they note.

"That study's a load of bull," said former owner Porky Chumwater, who is certified as one-thirty-second Shemp-Pa-Queeg Indian. "Their cardiac unit's been closed for renovations for two months."

Chumwater's establishment, which had been forced to shut its doors after the smoking ban went into effect, was sold to Shemp-Pa-Queeg tribe and then quickly reopened. The sale had included the building and property, which was then annexed to become part of the tribe's reservation.

"They can't do a damn thing about it," cackled Attorney Steve Dallas, who brokered the deal. "Indian reservations are sovereign territory, so just like they can open casinos if they want, they can light up a peace pipe -- or a Marlboro, a cohiba or a Tiperillo, and there ain't a thing Fingletart, Mayor Alabaster or Sheriff Moosejowl can do about it. And if they do, it just might trigger a religious discrimination suit."

Local ACLU Director Clinton Svinktaogle confirmed that their organization had been approached by both CLAP and the Semp-Pa-Queeg tribe for assistance, but admitted the board was having difficulty deciding whether to assist the liberal protest group or the Native Americans.

Restaurant and entertainment establishments across the country from Anchorage to New York City are following local developments closely as a possible strategy to skirt their own local smoking bans.



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