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Hollywood Hissy Fits

HOLLYWOOD -- As talk of black lists gives way to hand wringing over weakening box office receipts, the back lots of Hollywood movie studios are overcast with a dark cloud of fear and frustration, as politically outspoken stars, like Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon, Jeannie Garufalo, and Kim Basinger, who vocally protested Operation Iraqi Freedom, now find themselves on the unpopular side of the entertainment school yard according to the industry's latest Top Secret Q-Rating Reports.

"The Bush Administration has declared war on Hollywood. They deliberately timed the invasion of Iraq to upstage the Academy Award Ceremonies and make us look bad. What else could it be?" demanded Rob Reiner, Oscar nominated producer, director, actor and liberal activist. "I made The American President with Michael Douglas and A Few Good Men with Jack Nicholson. I know how these guys think and act."

Hollywood studio executives are alarmed that box office receipts are down 29% percent from the same reporting period a year ago and production companies are working overtime to keep up with current events, generating scores upon scores of treatments for an endless stream of new movie pitches.

"It's worse than making cross trainers at Nike," said one Screen Writer's Guild member who preferred to remain anonymous. "No more lattes -- they're making us drink regular Folger's coffee to stay awake. My fingers are numb from pounding a keyboard and my eyes are watering constantly from staring at my computer monitor. Oh, the humanity."

Unembedded producers and agents are hastening into harm's way in Baghdad to lock up movie rights in a frenzy likened to mobs of looting Iraqi citizens, prompting warnings from Army Brigadier General Vincent Brooks, CENTCOM spokesman, that while Coalition Forces are not specifically targeting Hollywood types, their safety cannot be guaranteed as on-going operations and engagements with the enemy continue.


E! News Live reports that superstar George Clooney, an extremely vocal opponent of the war, has been particularly peeved of late because political and military developments in Middle East have indefinitely postponed filming on the highly anticipated sequel to Three Kings, not to mention a pay-day equal to a king's ransom -- rumored to be in excess of $20 million -- for the actor. While he waits, Clooney seemingly vents by persisting in attempts to pick a fist fight with fellow actor and Alzheimer's victim, Charlton Heston. Entertainment Tonight makes Clooney the odds on favorite to prevail in the celebrity showdown.

Among the hardest hit is AOL-Time Warner's CNN, which was hoping for a ratings bonanza with it's war coverage, but the mood is dour at the news network's Atlanta headquarters because the main action of the war missed both the February as well the May Neilson Sweeps periods, which are used to set advertising rates. The scheduling conflict is estimated to have cost CNN hundreds of millions of dollars in lost revenues.

"Make no mistake, the Pentagon targeted us with their plan's timetable just as surely as if they had hit this place with a JDAM," said one unidentified Headline News Network anchor. "Now I know what Rumsfeld really meant by 'Shock and Awe.' I guess we picked the wrong side in this one -- of course, I also picked the Falcons to go to the Superbowl, too, so what do I know?"

Spokesmen for both the Pentagon and the Administration smiled coyly, but declined all comment when queried on the rumors and accusations currently circulating furiously in the entertainment industry.



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