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Calabash County Casting Call Chaos

MUDCAT FALLS -- National Guard troops were deployed to assist Sheriff Atticus W. Moosejowl and his deputies in bringing a mob under control at the downtown Motel 6 Suites on Center Street, when a riot broke out during a county wide casting call for the Jerry Springer Show. The altercation started when a woman, identified only as Missy, was shocked to find that her boyfriend, Raul, was in line with a cross-dresser, Antwon aka Angel, for an episode on aspiring transsexuals and their clueless male lovers.

"We was supposed to be together to try out for the 'Hillbilly Love' show, cause when Raul let his midget Klansman cellmate, Hank, stay at our trailer after he got paroled, we started shacking up and I bore his love child," lamented Missy. "He knowed this was my big chance to be a TV star. I never thought that cheatin' bastard would two-time me like this and now my gay karate school brothers is gonna kick his ass as soon as they find him."

Missy's father, self admitted sex addict Billy Saul, who was also in line with his wife, Faye, and Tawny, the stripper who was really a minister's wife that he got pregnant in the rectory during a threesome while her husband was delivering a Sunday sermon, instigated the melee by whacking Raul over the head with a lawn chair causing Raul's mom, Roxie, and three of her companions, Cassandra, Savannah and Sunshine, in line for the "Lesbian Family Affairs" episode, to come to the defense of her son. All six sets of known female twin prostitutes in Calabash County then ambushed a gang of amputee gigolos who had gallantly come to the aid of Antwon aka Angel. Full fledged pandemonium ensued when the rest of the cast member hopefuls started choosing up sides, largely based on sexual orientation.

After a record number of arrests, twenty-eight yellow buses commandeered from the Calabash County Unified School District finally caravanned the entire group out to a C-5A Galaxy hanger at nearby Whaanker Air Force Base where a stage was hastily constructed to await the arrival of Springer's Gulfstream IV for video taping to begin.

"We've got enough material here for our own 24 hour Springer cable channel," exclaimed Executive Producer Richard Dominick. "How is it we never heard of this place before?"

Numerous area fast food restaurants, beauty salons and convenience stores reported that they were unable to open Monday morning due to staffing problems.

"I ain't seen nothing like this since Nam," said Sheriff Atticus W. Moosejowl. "What I wouldn't have given for a few M67 pineapples to blow the whole damn freak show to smithereens."



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