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A Perfect Ratings Storm

NEW ORLEANS -- A federal judge has dealt the Bush Administration a devasting blow in its foundering attempts to put a positive spin on its handling of the Hurricane Katrina aftermath.

Judge Orpheus Luther of the Fifth Circuit Court, a Clinton appointee, ruled that a restraining order against CBS prohibiting it from airing Survivor: New Orleans - Hurricane Katrina, which producers had shot in secret shortly following hurricane landfall, is unconstitutional by violating their first amendment right to free speech.

"If only the goverment could have moved half as quickly to help the hurricane victims as they did to gag us and violate our rights," said a clearly exuberant Executive Producer Mark Burnett, savouring his victory in court. "And I swear, the only way the government could have ever found out about our plans is through their illegal NSA wiretaps."

Luther's ruling revealed publicly for the first time, the existence of the New Orleans competition of CBS's hit reality show. The cast and crew of Survivor are well known for tight lipped security, so how the Department of Homeland Security learned of the episodes has been the subject of much debate and Orwellian accusations.

A spokesman for DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff said only that the Bush Administration was prepared to appeal the decision and expected to prevail on the basis of protecting national security.

"Katrina was the ultimate Survivor set up," said Burnett, who rushed to New Orleans with camera crews in tow to hastily organize teams to compete for a $1 million dollar prize. "I mean talk about being deprived of basic comforts, exposed to harsh natural elements with your fate at the mercy of strangers like Mike Brown and Michael Chertoff. It's delicious."

Although details were not revealed in the court's written decision, the day-to-day Challenges are rumored to include the following:

FEMA Card Reward Challenge -- Teams compete to acquire as many FEMA debit cards as possible by fooling and defrauding federal bureacrats
Media Immunity Challenge -- The contestants compete to get the most local and network news interview airtime.
Looting Reward Challenge -- Facing the ultimate dilemma of choosing food or stereo equipment, teams scramble to liberate as much merchandise as possible from local retailers without getting shot.

"Boy, Bush is going to be sorry he ever crossed swords with us," said host Jeff Probst. "The series was originally scheduled to conclude during the May Sweeps period, but now it will air in the fall run up to the midterm elections."

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