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NEA to Fix No Child Left Behind

WASHINGTON DC -- The National Education Association is calling for a radical overhaul of the country's primary and secondary education system by proposing new intermediate grade levels to allow more time for students to learn and prepare for federally mandated proficiency and graduation tests.

"The No Child Left Behind Act is seriously flawed and needs to be fixed," said NEA spokesman Cullen D. Hurd. "If they're not going to be left behind, then you got to have somewhere for them to go, right? But, did the Bush Administration think of that? Yeah, right."

The proposed new "mezzo-" grade levels, such as mezzo-third grade, mezzo-sophomore, etc., will be fully integrated into annual school progression facilitating a track for students who are having difficulty assimilating education requirements without resorting to the scorched earth policy of grade retention, as well as providing teachers a full twenty years to prepare students to pass NCLB-mandated graduation tests.

The proposal also allows for a new "Transgraduational Election Certificate" for students to administratively separate from the education system with the equivalent of the military's "Under Honorable Conditions" discharge.

The NEA claims the proposed changes will increase graduation rates to 100%. A series of independent analyses shows the graduation rate across the country is currently 70%, meaning almost one-third of students don't finish on time — or at all.

Unnamed U.S. Department of Education sources said the administration is bemused by the proposal and curious as to what kind of "new math" was being used to reconcile the proposed 24 years of education with the NCLB requirement that states ensure all groups of students reach proficiency within 12 years.

The NEA expects its membership to grow from 2.7 million to over 5 million to fully staff the program.

The proposal has drawn wide-spread support, including the American Textbook Publishers Association, Mead Spiral Notebook Company, and Dixon-Ticonderoga Pencils.

Somewhat unexpectedly, the National PTA has yet to support the concept, citing member concerns over the fact that children will not graduate high school until the age of 29.



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